Beginning Fears

It’s past midnight and I’m lying on a mattress in my friend’s apartment at Brandeis University. I’m trying to sleep, but my head is racing. Before I start my journey West, I needed to make a short trip East. Yesterday, I biked along the Charles River until I reached the Atlantic. I ceremonially dipped my tires into the chilly ocean. In a few months, I will be doing the same in the Pacific. As I biked back to Brandeis, my bike screamed at me for taking it to the beach without washing away the sand. In the next few days many bike mechanics will also scream at me for the same thing.

I stayed an extra day to get some semblance of finality out of my four years at college. There is no in-person graduation, so there is no reason for me to stick around campus. I’m excited for this journey. But the excitement is bogged down by fear. I have never traveled for this long before - I don’t even know how long I will be gone for. My only plan is to bike to Minneapolis where I will meet my friend, Jeremy. From there, we will bike to Yellowstone and pick up our friend, Penina. We know we will bike to the West coast from there, but everything else is fairly loose. The first month I will be biking by myself. I have never traveled alone before, and I worry I will be lonely. Will I go crazy with my own thoughts, with no one to talk to? I talked to one of my closest friends, Judith, before I went to bed. We reminisced about our time in school together and she helped ease my worries. She reminded me that she, the rest of my friends, and my family will always be a phone call away. 

I am leaving college with feelings of regret. I wish I had branched out more. I wish I had taken more risks and did things that made me uncomfortable. I wish that I had taken more advantage of all the clubs and resources offered. Will my friendships fade away just like many of the ones from previous chapters of my life? 

I am scared of what comes next. The next stage of my life will be the longest one so far. I am done with all my schooling. Now I will need to work the rest of my life. What if I can’t find work that I love? Why am I leaving everything behind, dropping my search for a stable career, to bike across the country? I don’t feel tied down to anyone or anything. I have no commitments and no responsibilities. But I am free. So, I choose to go on an adventure. 

These fears keep me awake only for a bit because I know that no matter how difficult and lonely the next few months might be, I’ll finish with something to be proud of.